Paradox

Years ago I heard one of our colleagues describe the missionary itineration as “THE MOST WONDERFUL--AWFUL THING HE HAD EVER DONE.” We were newly appointed, so his statement entertained my imagination for weeks. How could it be both? I wondered. Then we set out to hold services in churches to raise our own support, and I could see that he was right. The process was awful because we had to sleep in dozens of different beds, eat at all the wrong times, sit in a car for endless hours, and bear the weight of the formidable budget. But we also found that the whole process was wonderful, because God provided for us in remarkable ways. New relationships, astonishing miracles, and financial surprises filled the path with wonder. To date we have done four one-year-long itinerations, and I can truthfully say that I HATE THEM--BUT I LOVE THEM!

Now I’ve lived long enough to see that life is full of paradoxes. For instance, right now even though THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M DYING, I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE.

As you know, in June my neurologist told me that I have bulbar ALS, the kind which has begun not in my hands and feet, like it does for 80% of ALS patients, but in my tongue, throat and mouth. He said that the normal life expectancy for this type of ALS is 12-18 months. That was five months ago. If someone had told me ahead of time that this was going to happen, I’m sure I would have despaired, but I COULD NEVER HAVE IMAGINED THE DARK PATH WOULD HAVE SO MANY GLIMMERS OF LIGHT.

Here’s the paradox. DURING THIS PROCESS SOMETIMES I HAVE FELT LIKE I WAS IN A TIGHT BOX --BUT I HAVE ALSO FELT LIBERATED. At the moment of the diagnosis, everything changed. Suddenly I knew what was important in my life. I let go of things that didn’t matter, and I reached out to embrace things I had previously taken for granted.

For example:

Our marriage has never been more fresh or exciting.

Our relationships with all four of our children have taken on sweet new dimensions.

I find myself fixating on adorable things that our grandkids do (okay that hasn’t changed THAT much ☺)

Certainly, friendships have become more meaningful.

Even nature seems more vibrant.

My senses are just keener these days!


Yesterday while doing some errands, I went through a drive-through to get food. I was going to try to eat it while driving, then I thought, “Life’s too short!” ☺ So, I pulled off the road and sat facing the river in our small local park. Before our missions work, we lived in this community for 17 years, and now we’re back to the same town, so I’ve driven by that portion of the Wisconsin River thousands of times; but this was the first time that I took time to soak in its beauty. As I ate my sandwich, the barren trees and rippling chilly water told me that they were enjoying the freedom of the moment, knowing that soon they were going to be heavily laden with snow. ☺

I am just feeling totally excited about life! My mind is dancing with ideas for the holidays. I’m like a kid at Christmas—literally! ☺ Which cookies should I bake? Which gifts? And Thanksgiving? With plans to entertain 34 people in my half –finished house? That would have certainly stressed me out before. But not now. I know that everything will be fine, even if it isn’t perfect. This attitude of abandonment makes everything more fun. Isn’t it ironic? JUST LIKE IT SAYS IN SCRIPTURE, I HAD TO LOSE MY LIFE TO FIND IT.

I feel fortunate to feel so well! My symptoms haven’t changed a lot over the last two months. Some days I have lots of muscle spasms in my hands, throat, legs, and abdomen—other days I have almost none. Some days my tongue is painfully slow, causing strangers to strain to understand me—other times my speech is quite clear. Some days it takes a couple of swallows to get the food to go down—other days I can eat the driest bread with no problem. Some days I have to battle massive amounts of mucus in my throat--other days I have almost none. Some days my feet feel like I’m walking through mud—other days I have a spring in my step. It’s like a pendulum that swings back and forth. ON THOSE HARD DAYS WHEN I FEEL SO WEAK, I'M GLAD THAT GOD IS STRONG, because it's then that I realize how much I need him.

One thing I know for sure, if God allows me to live beyond the doctor’s predictions, I will be a different person. From now on I will know that spending time with a friend over coffee is more important than getting one more thing crossed off my list! Too often, I have let the urgent things crowd out the important ones. I don’t know how many moments I have left on earth, but I do know that I don’t want to miss any of them.

We purchased the home that Jim built for his parents in 1979, and my handy husband has been working hard to remodel it for us to live in. The kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom are almost done, so we’ll be moving into it this coming week. He will do the rest of the work while we’re living there. IT IS LOTS OF WORK, BUT IT'S FUN TO SEE IT DEVELOP. There's that paradox thing again.

ISN'T IT IRONIC THAT IN THE PROCESS OF DYING, I'VE LEARNED HOW TO LIVE?

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