Shower of Tears

About a week ago I realized that in the last four months I have avoided crying as much as possible. Even the night I heard I had ALS I didn't cry.

That was a big change for me because before my diagnosis, tears were a regular thing for me. I was often choked up about something, and Jim, too. We would often cry at the same things. Once we cried at the same moment during an episode of The Brady Bunch :-) and another time at an AT&T commercial. We're both criers.

But I now realize that I have been trying not to cry because I can no longer control the intensity of the sounds. If I cry, I sob, I gasp for air, I groan----it's not a pretty sight! So I've been trying not to.

Last Saturday, after a rough day, I cried hard! I had felt so weak and so tired all day, and I had had many muscle spasms; I knew it was "the disease" knocking at my door. I think in trying to hold back the tears, I had been trying to hold back the disease----to keep it from developing. It was a form of denial.

But that day when Jim got home, the dam broke; all of the tears that I had held back for four months came gushing out uncontrollably. I sobbed, I groaned, I gasped for air. It went on and on. It was awful, but it was wonderful. Jim cried with me and held me close. I cried for him and I cried for me.

I realized that Ruth and Dave upstairs could probably hear the sobs, and suddenly it was okay. Okay, even though it wasn't dainty and graceful.

Crying is me. I have to be able to let myself feel deeply. I'm born to be a feeler.

Since the dam broke, I've cried a lot; and even though crying is physically uncomfortable, it feels good to not hold it back. So in these last few days...

*When my song came on the radio ("In His Arms") I let myself cry.

*When on TV this week Dan Betzer spontaneously sang "His Eye is on the Sparrow" I let myself cry.

*When Jim prayed for my healing in a before-the-meal prayer (like he does every day) I let myself cry.

*When our son David told about the mother of the handicapped son who was going on the medical missions trip with his team this week I let myself cry.

*When our son Paul held me last night and told me how much he loved me I let myself cry.

I told Jim that I would be crying whenever I felt like it from now on. He said he was very glad. I feel like I've reclaimed a sweet part of myself. I must cry. My feelings have to come out!

At first I was cautious about crying out of self-pity, but two of my close friends have assured me that it's okay to cry for myself. They both showed me the Psalms and how "raw" the feelings of David were. They convinced me that crying is a gift from God and he can handle it. :-)

An old Jewish Proverb says: What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.

Over this last week, I've been having a steady shower of tears. My soul is being washed, but there's a lot of "build-up" in there, so it will take time to clean it out.

mm

P.S. As of Tuesday October 16th, I have a new granddaughter. Her name is Jolene Hope, and she is beautiful! She joins big sister Elliana Joy. I arrived at their house last night and just being with the two of them brings me HOPE and JOY.