Maralyn's Updates

Friday, March 28, 2008

Resurrection Peace

It was just ten days after I got out of the hospital (March 13) that we were supposed to go to Bill and Nancy’s for dinner, (remember Nancy my physical therapist?) when all of a sudden my heart flip-flopped into Atrial Fibrillation again. I couldn’t have been more distraught.

“I thought the new medication would keep the A-Fib from happening,” I cried to Jim. “I don’t need this on top of everything else.”

So Jim held me and comforted me, then we had a long talk. And in his loving, fatherly way, he said, “Honey, I wouldn’t have chosen this either, but we can’t change it. It just is. Taking the beta blocker doesn’t mean you won’t have A-Fib, the blood thinner just keeps you from getting clots afterwards.”

“But I’m sick of this. I thought the meds would take away the episodes.”

“Babe, just relax and accept it. Fear isn’t necessary…”

Over the next seven days I had five bouts of A-Fib, so I made an appointment with the cardiologist to see if the medication needed to be adjusted.

But looking back I can see that God arranged this month to be the perfect learning environment for the next thing he wanted to teach me. The fact that Easter was laced through there was not coincidental!

Through the next few days God invited me to walk through the garden of my heart and look at all of the weeds of fear that were growing there. Suppressed fears. Buried worries. Anyone who has any melancholy like me knows that there are lots of “what-if’s” that can dance through the brain. What if I have a stroke on top of the ALS…? What if I get to the point where I can’t even move, or talk, or write…?

Every time my heart would go out of rhythm, the challenge was there again. Uproot the weeds of fear! Jim’s words would echo: “Fear isn’t necessary. God IS trustworthy. Fear changes nothing, in fact it probably complicates things.”

It was deep, hard work pulling out those weeds. Some of them had really deep roots. Could I really get them uprooted? Throw them out of the garden so they would not re-root?

Then it happened. An episode of A-Fib started at 2:30 A.M. Always before I would get up and wait it out…usually 3-5 hours. I couldn’t stand to lie in bed and listen to my heart trying to jump out of my chest. I would always busy myself with something as a distraction. But that night I resisted the urge to get up. The scriptures that I had been memorizing began to peacefully play through my brain.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” Isa. 26:3

“In quietness and trust is your strength.” Isa. 30:15

Next thing I knew it was an hour later. I had fallen asleep! Never before had I slept while in A-Fib. I roused briefly at 4:30 and then 5:30…only to find my heart still shaking. Occasionally Jim would say, “Is it still doing it?” “Yes, but it’s okay. I don’t feel afraid.” Then he would hug me and we would both fall back asleep. A-w-w-w, I thought, this is one of the benefits of weeding my garden. Sleep! Sweet peaceful sleep. When I awakened at 6:30 my heart was peacefully beating in rhythm, acting like nothing had ever happened, and I knew I had grown to a new level of acceptance and trust.

Easter dawned about the time my brain dawned.

If Jesus conquered death, why am I afraid of it?

Because he came back to life, so will I!

I will die, and so will you, but death is a doorway to something better.

The timing of my death will be exactly as God has planned it.

No amount of worrying is going to change that. I can rest easily.

It’s all in God’s hands. And those are good hands.

I read the account of the resurrection in all four gospels, and what jumped out were phrases like “Peace be with you” and “Don’t be afraid.” H-m-m-m! God is an amazing teacher. Staging the learning environment…planning the lessons…and giving opportunity to practice.

The day after Easter I went to see the cardiologist, and he explained to me that the nature of Atrial Fibrillation is to become more frequent and intense over time, but that with my daily beta blocker the rapid, irregular heartbeat should stay within safe boundaries. The blood thinner is to keep clots from forming. “Don’t worry. Some people have Atrial Fibrillation 24 hours a day. It’s something you can live with.” Then he did something remarkable. Remembering that I was a Christian, he explained that he was an Eastern Orthodox believer. “I have a very stressful job. I couldn’t make it without the Lord. Every day I put holy oil on my forehead to remind me of God’s presence and help.” He then touched his own forehead and then reached his finger to touch mine, making a tiny cross with the oil. “Peace be with you.” Tears stung my eyes. It was the very lesson God had been teaching me all month.

Three days later I saw my neurologist, and that was also sweet. He checked my strength, examined me, asked questions, watched me walk, and concluded, “I don’t see very much change at all. The ALS is still there, but it doesn’t seem to be moving very quickly. Whatever you’re doing, just keep doing it.” Nancy had sent him my physical therapy reports, he knew about the hospitalization, he saw the drop in my cholesterol, and he knew of our healthy diet and my regular workouts. He congratulated me and told me to keep up the good work. Sweetness!

What a powerful month-long lesson this has been. So hard…but so good. I now know on a deeper lever that I don’t have to worry about anything. I can be in total peace. Why? Because Jesus conquered death.

Peace be with YOU—resurrection peace!

mm

P.S. On Easter eve our daughter-in-law Rhonda asked if she could take some photos of us in her basement amateur studio. It was a really fun ten minutes. Here are some of the results.







6 Comments:

Blogger Tiffany Cooper said...

Maralyn,
Thank you for sharing your journey with God in such a vulnerable way. I am challenged as I read about the prunning God has done in your heart. What a beautiful love story to read about Jim's tenderness toward you. Your family is in my prayers.
Love to you,
Tiffany

11:06 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Dear Maralyn, May God bless you as much as you have blessed and continue to bless others. Esther

12:29 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

Maralyn, I LOVED the pictures AND the lesson! Thanks so much for being willing to share such personal struggles and insights... they benefit all of us, your friends and readers! Tina

10:40 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Dear Maralyn, By far this is my fav post:)In short you wrote the whole story & purpose of life.I love the pictures.Rohnda is really did good.
You have no idea that how each of your blog comes at perfect time of my life.U are an amazing person & teacher. I'm experiencing God's strength & love through your life.
You and Pastor are always close to my heart. With much love & hugs,Nupur

5:23 AM  
Blogger Sharon Nalbach said...

Maralyn-I have just ret'd from 5 weeks in Florida to the cold tundra of Wisconsin - & I feel so blessed. I too have worries and fears. But you have reminded me that Jesus has a promise for us. Thank you for sharing your journey and inspiring me to enjoy mine. God's peace - Sharon N.

9:25 PM  
Blogger bonniegreenwood said...

Maralyn, I'd like to introduce myself. Your Aunt Ada Caldwell is also my Aunt Ada. My Mother Tessie was the oldest of the Caldwell children and Rufus is her brother. My Mother went home to be with the Lord in June of 1992.

I visited with Ada and Rufus in Oklahoma City in Arpil. Ada shared your blog with me and I have been so impressed with you and so moved by all I have read. Thank you for sharing.

May God continue to use you as you continue to minister through the many areas He is still has for you. Praying for your strength.

"Praise the name of God forever and ever, for he has all wisdom and power." Daniel 2:20

In Christian Love,
Bonnie Greenwood
Greenville, Texas

10:04 PM  

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