Resurrection Peace

It was just ten days after I got out of the hospital (March 13) that we were supposed to go to Bill and Nancy’s for dinner, (remember Nancy my physical therapist?) when all of a sudden my heart flip-flopped into Atrial Fibrillation again. I couldn’t have been more distraught.

“I thought the new medication would keep the A-Fib from happening,” I cried to Jim. “I don’t need this on top of everything else.”

So Jim held me and comforted me, then we had a long talk. And in his loving, fatherly way, he said, “Honey, I wouldn’t have chosen this either, but we can’t change it. It just is. Taking the beta blocker doesn’t mean you won’t have A-Fib, the blood thinner just keeps you from getting clots afterwards.”

“But I’m sick of this. I thought the meds would take away the episodes.”

“Babe, just relax and accept it. Fear isn’t necessary…”

Over the next seven days I had five bouts of A-Fib, so I made an appointment with the cardiologist to see if the medication needed to be adjusted.

But looking back I can see that God arranged this month to be the perfect learning environment for the next thing he wanted to teach me. The fact that Easter was laced through there was not coincidental!

Through the next few days God invited me to walk through the garden of my heart and look at all of the weeds of fear that were growing there. Suppressed fears. Buried worries. Anyone who has any melancholy like me knows that there are lots of “what-if’s” that can dance through the brain. What if I have a stroke on top of the ALS…? What if I get to the point where I can’t even move, or talk, or write…?

Every time my heart would go out of rhythm, the challenge was there again. Uproot the weeds of fear! Jim’s words would echo: “Fear isn’t necessary. God IS trustworthy. Fear changes nothing, in fact it probably complicates things.”

It was deep, hard work pulling out those weeds. Some of them had really deep roots. Could I really get them uprooted? Throw them out of the garden so they would not re-root?

Then it happened. An episode of A-Fib started at 2:30 A.M. Always before I would get up and wait it out…usually 3-5 hours. I couldn’t stand to lie in bed and listen to my heart trying to jump out of my chest. I would always busy myself with something as a distraction. But that night I resisted the urge to get up. The scriptures that I had been memorizing began to peacefully play through my brain.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” Isa. 26:3

“In quietness and trust is your strength.” Isa. 30:15

Next thing I knew it was an hour later. I had fallen asleep! Never before had I slept while in A-Fib. I roused briefly at 4:30 and then 5:30…only to find my heart still shaking. Occasionally Jim would say, “Is it still doing it?” “Yes, but it’s okay. I don’t feel afraid.” Then he would hug me and we would both fall back asleep. A-w-w-w, I thought, this is one of the benefits of weeding my garden. Sleep! Sweet peaceful sleep. When I awakened at 6:30 my heart was peacefully beating in rhythm, acting like nothing had ever happened, and I knew I had grown to a new level of acceptance and trust.

Easter dawned about the time my brain dawned.

If Jesus conquered death, why am I afraid of it?

Because he came back to life, so will I!

I will die, and so will you, but death is a doorway to something better.

The timing of my death will be exactly as God has planned it.

No amount of worrying is going to change that. I can rest easily.

It’s all in God’s hands. And those are good hands.

I read the account of the resurrection in all four gospels, and what jumped out were phrases like “Peace be with you” and “Don’t be afraid.” H-m-m-m! God is an amazing teacher. Staging the learning environment…planning the lessons…and giving opportunity to practice.

The day after Easter I went to see the cardiologist, and he explained to me that the nature of Atrial Fibrillation is to become more frequent and intense over time, but that with my daily beta blocker the rapid, irregular heartbeat should stay within safe boundaries. The blood thinner is to keep clots from forming. “Don’t worry. Some people have Atrial Fibrillation 24 hours a day. It’s something you can live with.” Then he did something remarkable. Remembering that I was a Christian, he explained that he was an Eastern Orthodox believer. “I have a very stressful job. I couldn’t make it without the Lord. Every day I put holy oil on my forehead to remind me of God’s presence and help.” He then touched his own forehead and then reached his finger to touch mine, making a tiny cross with the oil. “Peace be with you.” Tears stung my eyes. It was the very lesson God had been teaching me all month.

Three days later I saw my neurologist, and that was also sweet. He checked my strength, examined me, asked questions, watched me walk, and concluded, “I don’t see very much change at all. The ALS is still there, but it doesn’t seem to be moving very quickly. Whatever you’re doing, just keep doing it.” Nancy had sent him my physical therapy reports, he knew about the hospitalization, he saw the drop in my cholesterol, and he knew of our healthy diet and my regular workouts. He congratulated me and told me to keep up the good work. Sweetness!

What a powerful month-long lesson this has been. So hard…but so good. I now know on a deeper lever that I don’t have to worry about anything. I can be in total peace. Why? Because Jesus conquered death.

Peace be with YOU—resurrection peace!

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P.S. On Easter eve our daughter-in-law Rhonda asked if she could take some photos of us in her basement amateur studio. It was a really fun ten minutes. Here are some of the results.